There really isn’t much of a reason to get off your ass and go out into that big, scary (and if you live in Minnesota), fucking freezing cold city for any reason anymore. After all, we have everything we need at our fingertips these days: television, movies, music, food, sex, drama, adventure... all you need to do is make yourself a safe little nest of blankets on your couch and wait for your legs to get all pins-and-needles-like. So why go out at all? Shit, it’s become a pain in the ass to even put my shoes on nowadays (its still a wonder to me why Velcro isn’t our primary system for keeping shoes on our feet, what the fuck Converse?).
Now I’m not saying I’m any better than the rest of you lazy good for nothing bums. I too have become a victim of instant gratification. I can have a fridge full of food (that inevitably rots) but still be too goddamn lazy to cook myself a meal, especially when Pizza Luce is only a block away (and yes, I’ve still had it delivered to me on a couple occasions, fuck). Like most of us these days, between my soul-sucking job, apparently being the only person on the planet who knows how to drive in rush hour traffic, taking out the trash, cleaning the cat’s shitbox, and remembering to pay all my overdue bills because said soul-sucking job pays shit, I guess I feel like I have some sort of earned right to sit on my ass for a few hours and maybe even have someone bring me a slice of fucking pizza. Amiright?
But here’s the problem I’m finding with this routine: It’s a fucking routine. It’s an endless routine that never changes, never benefits us in anyway, and doesn’t leave us feeling like we’ve actually experienced anything. I constantly wonder what people from the 1800s would think of us if they could look into the future and see just how badass the world is outside of our own four walls: “What the hell is this?” they’d say, “These assholes have a god damn planet sized playground with the means to see it all, but all they do is sit around and drool in front of those stupid glowing boxes”. We know very well that going out and socializing at the local watering-hole could very well open up our mundane lives to all sorts of new adventures, sex, opportunities and experiences that we would normally watch in high definition on our fancy new 42 inch plasma screens. “Why bother?” we say, “I got that shit right here, and I can do it all with one hand down my pants, plus I got some pizza rolls in the oven”.
Well I’ll tell you why, I’ll tell you exactly why my brothers, my sisters. Actually... shit. I won’t. Because if I did that I’d only be pretending to be wiser and worldly-er than the rest of you. The truth is, I don’t know why I can’t motivate myself to turn off that mind numbing xbox and go find myself an adventure, and I sure as hell can’t tell you why you don’t either. Maybe it’s because we think that there’s no one left out there with that same motivation. Maybe it’s because we know that if we approached a total stranger and started asking them about their day, they would expect us to drop a little white pill in their drink to have a modern day adventure of our own. “Yeah, I like that joint, but every time I party there my butt hole hurts the next day”.
Maybe that’s just it: we’ve all fallen in love with our routines no matter how much or how little they benefit us. The routine is safe, familiar and if you don’t have one you’re off your rocker. And shit, it takes a lot of energy for most of us to break out of our normal everyday personal hells. After all, there’s too much to lose, right? Someone might think we’re a total psychopath, or maybe that eccentricism we all want to show would end up getting back to our employers who feel very strongly that “these actions do not represent the mission statement we live by”. Mission statement we live by? Holy snot on the sidewalk Charlie Brown, I only pretend to tolerate that shit forty hours a week so these assholes give me a paycheck every now and then. Don’t you? No? Ah well forget it then.
I get cable TV for the first time in years this weekend. I figured that be a good note to end this one on.
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